I grew up in a small town everyone knew everything about everyone. If anyone would be found to be gay the whole town would know judging how bad it was. I started wearing my sisters clothing when I was boy and have worn them off and on since. I knew from an early age I wanted to suck cock. I knew I couldn’t while in that town. I went to college where I new no one from my town went. Would you believe five of my classmates went to the same college? I had to be careful or I would be labeled a queer. I didn’t want to be an embarrassment to my family. I wanted to try suck cock, but what if I did not like it? If it got back to my home town I had better like it if I try it. I would have no chance if anyone found out I even wanted to try sucking cock.

One night my friends and I went to the porno theater in the next town. We went once a month my senior year in high school. One night near the end of the movie the scenes showed a guy giving another guy a blow job. It was the first time I had seen anything like it. I thought it was the best thing I had ever seen. Several people jumped up and were yelling. I thought it was great, I wanted to try now more than ever. I heard friends say how gross it was and sick. I quickly calmed down and protested how gross but inside I was going crazy how great it was to see a man suck cock. It let me know I was not alone… I just couldn’t try it yet.

I joined the navy after college to get away from home and hopefully suck my first cock. This was before don’t ask don’t tell. If you were caught or even suspected of being gay you would be kicked out. Again I found myself in the closet.
I would look every chance I got in the showers or at the urinals; again I had to keep my desire to myself. I went to a gay bookstore one day to buy a gay magazine “The Advocate”. This was the first time I had taken this much of a chance in public. I read every article about how being gay was not sick. Many normal people are gay, lesbian and bisexual. I began to think maybe I will get to find out someday.

I did my first six months deployment on ship. I still checked cocks in the shower every chance I got. One day on liberty I was able to slip away from my liberty buddies to find a sex shop in Nice France. It was packed with sailors form the battle group, but none from my ship. I walked through the whole store to find the gay section. I didn’t dare stay near it too long for fear of being noticed. I even slipped into one of the booths with a gay movies playing. I wanted to be the guy in the movie taking a big cock in the ass and one in the mouth. I kept the sound of the movie down so no one would hear I was watching gay porn. After the movie I went back to the store to check the gay section one last check before heading back to the ship to jerk off again. A man walked straight in to the gay section to check it out. I watched him look over the pictures then he walked out.

I was again shocked how natural he looked; he was clearly comfortable with being gay. I told myself I would do that one day, walk into a sex shop straight to the gay section, find what I want, buy it without any embarrassment. I tried to follow this gay man; but I was not able to catch up with him. I did not know what I would have said to him had I caught up. I think scared him being an American clearly from the ships. The US Navy has never been known for its gay friendly nature. I went back to the ship horny and alone.

When we got home after deployment I went on a little vacation with a girlfriend from back home. We had an ok time together, but I knew it wouldn’t work out with her. I was afraid she might get pregnant, I knew I wanted men not her. I dropped her at her sisters and drove back to my apartment. On the way, I found an adult bookstore. I remembered the gay man in France. I’ll be like him. I walked over to the gay section before looking to see who else was in there. I notice a guy and his girlfriend as I got to the gay section. Normally I wouldn’t have looked at the gay section in front of a good looking girl; but this day was different. I selected a gay magazine and a dildo walking by them I looked at his crotch then smiled at her.

I got out to my car; my heart was beating so fast I thought I’d pass out. I felt great I had just been more open to my sexuality than ever been before. I stopped at a rest area to look through the magazine before getting home. I left the magazine out of the bag as I stopped at the mailbox on my way to my apartment. No one walked by so I was still safe but I knew I was taking steps.

I looked at the magazine while I sucked the dildo all afternoon as I worked up the courage to go to a gay bar that night. I cleaned out my insides real good before I showered and shaved. I got dressed. On my way out a neighbor asked where I was going, do I wanted company. I said not tonight I have plans. I went to the bar, had a drink and watched men dance and have a good time. I was still too afraid to approach anyone. I knew I was taking one step at a time overcoming years of repressed sexuality. I went back again the next weekend I did not have watch. I was more relaxed but knew I had to overcome my shyness if I would ever taste my first cock.

Third time was a charm. I had to go to a class on the other side of town near the gay bar. I knew we would be off early so I brought a change of clothes. After class I drove to the gay bar for happy hour before dinner. I sat at the bar as the bar tender came over he asked what he could get me. I said a beer would be nice. He looked at me then the other two men at the bar then asked me if I was lost. I said no I am at the bar having a beer. The three of them looked at each other and then back at me one asked do you know what kind of bar this is. I smiled and said yes, that’s why I am here.

We began to talk, the bartender‘s name was Peter. I nursed my beer. I did not want to drink too much. I began to relax having a good time talking with others who now knew I was gay; at least I thought I was gay. This good looking college guy, Brian, came over joining the conversation. We talked as we finished our beers.

Brian asked if I was hungry. I said I would like to join him at the Olive Garden for a good meal I think. Brian told me he had been out for two years. Brian said the hardest thing he had to do was telling his father, but once he had his father accepted it. He asked me how long I had been out. I told him truthfully I was not out. He said he understood but I knew he didn’t, I didn’t understand myself. I had always been afraid I would be labeled gay or queer or any other derogatory term. I was pretty sure I was gay but I had not actually touched a man. What if I try and don’t like it.

On the way back to the bar, I told him what I was going through as well as how I had to stay in the closet due to the Navy. As we re-entered the bar Brian grabbed a free gay paper and brought it to the table with us. We looked through it. We pointed out some hot guys in the paper. I looked Brian in the eyes as I asked him to go back to my apartment. He smiled and kissed me. I pulled back nervously at first. I said I was sorry all these years wanting to suck cock or be fucked yet I had never considered kissing a man. I leaned in as we kissed again, this time like we meant it. I loved the way his beard felt against mine.

We kissed on our way out to the cars. Brian followed me to my apartment. On the way I thought to myself, well this is it; I considered loosing him on the way. After evasive driving school it would have been easy. I did not. When we got to my apartment I met him at his car kissing him again as I lead him by the hand to my apartment. We kissed again before opening the door. I was having my first sexual encounter with a man wanting everyone to know it.

Once inside I offered him seat and drink. I put on some music, before joining him on the sofa. We sipped our wine. We kissed before I lead him to the bedroom. We were both naked in no time. Brian told me to relax, he would lead me through this. He kissed my neck, it felt great. When he kissed my nipple for the first time the sensation was out of this would. I now knew why girls always liked this. I did the same to him. His nipple felt great against my tongue. Just a little hair grew around his nipple on his smooth chest. I kissed my way down to his treasure trail. I could smell the musk of his cock. I kissed my way down to the base of his hot cock. I felt the heat of it as it rubbed along the side of my face. I kissed my way back up his cock to the head. As my lips reached his head I slid them over his thick purple head as his cock entered my mouth for the first time. It felt better than I thought it would.

I was sucking cock for the first time it was incredible. I was lost in lust. Brian was sucking my cock as I did the same to him. He licked my balls as I licked his. I sucked his balls into my mouth as he did mine. He began to kiss back to my anus. I went back to the head of his cock. Brian said well I’m glad we have a bottom. He licked and probed my ass like never before. All these new sensations were blowing my mind. My head was spinning as my lust reached higher and higher levels I had never experience before. I needed more.
I took a tube of lube from my night stand I had used with my dildos before this. He applied some to my ass and his cock. I asked him how he wanted me on my knees or on my back. He just leaned in kissed me again as we lifted my legs over his shoulders. I felt the head of his hard cock slide over my now eager hole. The first push as he entered me hurt a bit but the pain subsided as he inched his way deeper into me. Of all the new feeling I experienced that night this was by far the most incredible.

Brian started out slow and easy before we increased speed and force as we got into a primal rhythm. He pulled almost all the way out of me before driving his hard cock deep into me as hard as he could. I pushed my as up to meet each of his thrusts. We fucked so hard my bed moved half way across the floor . He came deep inside me, me did between us. We cuddled before falling to sleep.

I awoke first knowing I was now and forever a cock sucker. I decided to wake Brian that way. I moved down taking his soft cock in my hungry mouth. I had his cock up to its full seven inches before he awoke. He wanted me to move around so he could have some cock as well, but I said this is my first blow job where I just please you. You can play next time. I took him as deep as I could but kept gagging. I wanted to deep throat but I couldn’t get the dildos down how I could expect to get his huge cock in me.

I stopped thinking, just letting go of myself. I did what came natural to me, enjoying the feel as his cock slid through my moist lips and in my eager mouth. I stuck out my tongue as I slid down on his cock trying to lick his egg sized balls. The next thing I knew my nose was buried in his bush as his balls were bounced off my chin. Some how I had managed to get his whole cock down my throat. I gagged again a little but Brian now face fucked my mouth. He passed the point of no return. He shot six hard busts down my throat. As his orgasm diminished I slide my mouth up his cock to the head milking as much of his sweet hot cum as I could get in my mouth.

We kissed again as I led him to the shower where we washed each other before another rough session of animal passion sex in the shower. Brian had to work that afternoon or we would have continued our lovemaking all weekend. I gave him another blowjob at the door before he left. I walked him to his car and kissed him by as he got into his car. I told him I would see him after work. I went back to my apartment and took another shower.

I felt the best I ever had, I had just had the best sex of my life. I knew with no doubt in my mind I liked cock in my mouth as much as having it in my ass. I am a gay bottom. I loved the freeing knowledge that I know just what I am. I just wish I had taken the dive into my homosexuality years earlier.

My bliss of discovering my homosexuality did not last long. About an hour after Brian went to work I got a call from the Navy and had to go in to work for an hour. I had to put all of my excitement back into my closet.
When I got home the thought of how I sucked Brian at the door in front of my sliding glass door where any of my neighbors could have seen. It hit home like a punch to the gut. I also thought about kissing and walking hand in hand with him. If any of my neighbors saw I will be kicked out of the Navy. I was afraid all afternoon. I went to the pool to sit in the hot tub trying to relax. The jets felt good on my now sore ass. My downstairs neighbor came to the pool. He smiled at me saying wow; you really got it on last night. The way you were pounding her through your mattress I hope you didn’t hurt her. I did not see her leave today. I left while you were fucking her in the shower, I heard the water. I smiled and said she’s fine. I am still not sure if he knew I was the girl getting fucked hard through my bed, I think he did. As far as I know he never told anyone I was gay.

Brian came over that night after work around mid-night. We sucked and fucked again all night, not as rough this time because my ass hurt not for fear of my neighbors. While Brian was there all my fears seemed to go away. I wish we would have had more time together, I probably would have come out of the closet then, but I was being transferred out of state.

I checked in with my new command. I had to do some training after I had been at my new command for a year. I went with three guys from my new command. I was back in the closet but at least now I knew I was gay.
One night I went to a strip club with the three other guys I was training with. I was getting horny drinking and watching the girls dance. I was wishing I had been born a girl so I could be on stage dancing, getting these guys horny. I would have loved to be able to suck all the cock I could get. I needed the bathroom so I headed to the men’s room.

I stepped up to the urinal to let it go when his hot guy stepped in standing next to me. He pulled out his hard cock. I glanced at it. He said “I knew you were queer, you want to suck this cock now don’t you”? I was shocked not knowing what to say. I was still pissing so leaving was not an option. He said “look your cock is getting hard while you are pissing you know you want it” he put his cock back in his pants “meet him outside or I will come in to get me in front of your friends”. He walked out as I finished up.
I went back to my table saying I was going to step out for some air. He was waiting for me “get in the truck”. I did. “You want to suck this cock”. “No”. He laughed “why did you come out” He had me, we both knew it. I slid off the seat kneeling on the floor, reaching for his belt and unbuttoning his pants. I slid his pants down to his ankles seeing he was going commando.

His eight inch cut cock oozing precum as it sprang out hitting my face leaving a trail from my chin to my nose. I kissed the tip licking off the precum mmm. I did want his cock, now I was enjoying it. I flicked my tongue over the large mushroom head. I worked my way down his thick shaft. His veiny cock was thick as a beer can. I went down to his huge balls licking, kissing and sucking on each one.

I smelled and tasted his musk. I wanted this to last, I hadn’t sucked cock in over a year and really needed this. I couldn’t hold out any longer. I moved back up to his thick spongy head licking the precum before beginning my oral decent down his vein covered shaft. My lips slid up and down his shaft slow at first before picking up speed. This was the largest cock I had had up to that point. I wanted it all. My tongue snaked out to lick as far down his shaft as I could as my lips moved up and down his magnificent tool. I was lost in lust as I slid over his cock, when I felt his pubic hair tickle my nose. I would pull up just enough to get a breath of air before I dove back down on him burying his cock down my throat.

I felt his hands on the back of my head as his hips thrust up into my eager mouth. I felt him fucking my face hard and fast. I knew he wouldn’t last long the way he held me down on him I couldn’t stop him. He thrust in deep again as his cock swelled as his huge balls contracted up as they forced his cum down my throat. I felt wave after wave of hot cum spray down my throat. He came for a good thirty second before he loused his grip so I could get a breath of air. He was still shooting cum as I took in a breath of air before I dove back down on him. He filled my mouth with his hot salty sweet load. I swallowed as I coaxed the last of his huge load. I didn’t know anyone could cum that much in one load.

I licked him clean saying thank you I needed that. He smiled “if you could be discrete we could do it again”. I assured him I could be discrete. He gave me his number as I got up to go back to the strippers with a smile on my face. We got together once a week until I transferred.

When Bill Clinton was elected talk of lifting the ban on gays in the military heated up. I had to be careful not to be passionate about the argument. I did not think the military I knew would be very accepting of gays openly serving. In the 18 years don’t ask don’t tell has been in effect. Most units in the military have come along way toward allowing openly gay people in the military. I have served with a few men who have come out after we had served togethe. I still have not been able to be totally open as to who I really am.

I have been taking more chances in the past 3-4 years, growing my nails longer and keeping them buffed to a shine. I have also been wearing lingerie under my uniform. Sometimes just panties, other times I wear bra, panties, garter and stocking. I no longer have any trouble walking into a crowded store to buy lingerie. I know my size in all women’s clothing. I know I could never pass as a women but I still would like to be able to go out and walk around the block if I want without fear. I am now waiting for my retirement date so I can say bye and thank you for the great memories, but also so long to the closet. I am a gay man and proud of the service I have done for my country even if I couldn’t be myself.