Chapter Four: Muzukashii no Ai

Isamu wasn't all that familiar with American television, but he watched it anyway. Well, if staring blankly could really be considered watching. He wasn't sure if he was depressed or angry; probably some of both. I thought she was different, he thought, closing his eyes. He clenched his hands around the throw blanket and pulled it up over his shoulders. Isamu was a little unsettled by just how much her accusations had hurt him, as well, because he couldn't help feeling somewhat responsible for Tiffany's behavior.

He was reaching for the remote to change the channel when someone knocked on the door. Isamu had told his bandmates to leave him be today, so it couldn't have been them. He pushed the blanket away and got up to pad to the door. Grumbling, he smoothed his rumpled t-shirt and ran his fingers through his hair before reaching to open the door. The last thing he needed was to find a reporter, or worse, his mother, waiting for him when he was looking like such a slob.

"Sierra," Isamu said softly, surprised to see her standing there.

She didn't look too good. Her lower lip was swollen and cut. There was a bandage around her right hand. Sierra's eyes were red and there were dark circles beneath them. She was also still wearing the clothes she'd had on yesterday. Isamu wanted to reach out and take hold of her, to pull her close and hold her tight. What did she do to her hand? he wondered, frowning.

"I uh…can we talk? Please?" Sierra stammered. Her voice was hoarse and soft.

"Come in," Isamu said quietly, stepping aside to allow her into the apartment. "What…uh, what happened to your hand?"
"I cut myself," Sierra answered, fiddling with the bandage. "Um…pretty bad…I had to get stitches…thirteen…"

She stopped in front of the couch, hesitating, her pale blue eyes flickering back and forth in uncertainty. Isamu set his hands on her shoulders and pushed her gently down onto the couch. He grabbed the remote, turned the T.V. off, then sat down beside her. His anger forgotten, he picked up her hand, cradling it in his. Sierra lifted her head and smiled, a somewhat watery smile, but at least it was a smile. Isamu found himself gently rubbing between her thumb and forefinger, trying to calm her.

"I…I'm s-sorry," Sierra stammered, tears welling in her eyes, threatening to spill. "What I said…it was…it was wrong of me to say that." Her hand trembled in his. "I didn't mean it, Isamu, I really didn't, I swear!"

"Hey, calm down," Isamu soothed, pulling her into his lap. "Just calm down, Sierra…"

Nothing got to him more than a crying woman. It made him feel even more guilty than he already did. She didn't really mean it, Isamu thought, holding her tight. Of course she didn't, she was just upset. Maybe he just really wanted to forgive her, maybe he was just trying to convince himself, but his anger had fled. Sierra clung to him, her fingers clutching his shirt, sobbing quietly. She'd never struck him as the type who would cry over nothing, so Isamu knew she had to be terribly upset.

He stroked his fingers through her hair and rocked her gently until her crying eased. When Sierra pulled back her eyes and nose were red, and she swiped furiously at the tears that ran down her cheeks. Isamu caught hold of her hands, pulling them away from her face, then leaned forward and gently kissed the tears away. She sniffled a bit, but finally settled down.

"I'm sorry," Sierra said again. "I…I was upset…and…"

"That thing that was on your bed," Isamu said quietly. "That was special to you, wasn't it?"

Sierra nodded. "My…my grandma gave it to me before she died…"

"Oh, Sierra," Isamu murmured, pulling her close again. "I'm sorry…"

"And…and she took the scroll you gave me," Sierra went on, her voice quavering. "She was supposed to be my friend…"

"I'll get you another scroll," Isamu told her. "Just like that one, with the cranes. My grandparents will send me one, if I ask."

Sierra leaned back and looked up at him. She smiled through the tears, and finally her eyes lit up the way he liked so much. Isamu cupped her cheek with his hand, brushing his thumb along her lower lip. I feel like I'm falling for her, he thought, and I hardly know her. He found himself wondering how she felt about him. She had to feel something, if she'd come over here to apologize…didn't she?

"You'd really do that for me?" Sierra asked.

Isamu smiled. "Of course," he told her. "I'll call them as soon as possible. They know where I got my scrolls…they can get one and send it."

Sierra smiled again, and finally she looked less sad. She reached up and brushed a strand of hair away from his face, her touch so tender that it took him by surprise. Isamu lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her gently, just a soft kiss as tender as the touch of her fingers. Sierra leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder, and sighed softly, the sort of sigh a person let out when they were done crying at last. Isamu brushed her hair back from her face, enjoying just being able to touch her.


"I'm sorry," Sierra said quietly. "That isn't like me, usually, just…I guess I'm really feel like the walls are coming down around me…"

"I take it you won't be living in that apartment anymore?" Isamu asked, gently stroking her cheek.

Sierra sighed. "No, definitely not. I'll be moving back into my father's house but…"

"But?" he urged her.

"I um…well…" Sierra looked up at him. "Could I…stay here tonight?"

He didn't answer, simply pulled her against him, pressing his mouth to hers. As much as he tried to control himself, Isamu found it difficult around her. He'd wanted her from the first time he'd seen her, after all. But seeing how upset she was, what he wanted more than anything was to comfort her. It's hard when the people you care about do things like this to you, he thought. I know that well enough myself. Well, maybe he could help her with this situation, somehow.

*****

Cartons, mostly empty now, stood on the coffee table. One set of chopsticks and one fork rested together on a large plate, still covered in duck sauce and clinging bits of dried rice. The lights were off, leaving only the glow of the T.V. Isamu's fingers toyed with her hair and his legs were tangled around hers. Sierra's hands clutched the edge of the soft, worn throw blanket that covered them both. It was late, she knew, past midnight, but she wasn't ready for sleep, despite having none in the last twenty-four hours or so.

"He is the goofiest man I've ever seen," Isamu said. His mouth was close to her ear and his warm breath made her shiver.

"He's a genius," Sierra argued. "The choreography is simply brilliant!"

"But still goofy," Isamu insisted.

She turned her head enough to stick her tongue out at him. "Well, we already watched what you wanted to!"

They were watching Rush Hour; she was particularly fond of Jackie Chan. After the night she'd had, she wanted to watch something cheerful and uplifting. Isamu didn't know a great deal of American films, so she'd had to explain a few to him. They'd ended up renting Mrs. Doubtfire as well. He'd said it sounded like something the Japanese would cook up. That was another of Sierra's favorite comedy movies, only she'd seen in a hundred times. But Isamu enjoyed it, so she hadn't minded so much.

"At least you aren't one of those girls," Isamu said. "You know, the ones who like to watch stuff like Gone With the Wind."

"I'm surprised at you, Isamu," Sierra teased, half-turning in his arms. "I would think you'd like to get me feeling all romantic and weepy."

Isamu snorted. "I don't need to get any girl feeling romantic and weepy."

He was just joking, she knew, but she swatted at him anyway. It was a playful, half-hearted swat, and he caught her wrist easily. Sierra let out a squeal of surprise as he nipped at the tip of her index finger. She laughed as Isamu pulled her against him; not that they hadn't already been rather close on the thin couch, of course. He shifted, getting her beneath him, his body pinning hers down. Sierra wriggled beneath him but she couldn't get him to budge.

Isamu reached out and grabbed the T.V. remote to turn it off. It was suddenly very dark in the apartment and her heart began to pound. She felt Isamu's lips against her neck, soft and gentle. Then they were against her lips, in that tender kiss she thought of as his 'permission' kiss. He might not have used words to do it, but he always asked for permission. Sierra opened her lips, just enough to allow his tongue to slip inside her mouth. When he kissed her that way, she could never say no.

Isamu rose, letting the blanket fall away. His hand caught hers, tugging her to her feet. Sierra couldn't see, so she clung to him, allowing him to lead her into the bedroom. Moonlight spilled through the blinds, giving the room a silvery glow. She laughed as he brought her down onto the bed. Isamu pulled up the hem of the shirt she was wearing, slowly teasing it up over her breasts. He laid kisses along her ribcage, just below her bra, and the occasional touch of his tongue made her shiver.

Sierra watched him, watching the moonlight glinting in his hair. He pulled her bra up, baring her breasts. Isamu touched his lips to her skin, so gentle that it felt like a feather. His hands traced her sides, down to her hips, to the top of her pants. She gasped as his tongue flicked over the tip of one nipple, then his mouth closed around it and sucked gently. He unfastened her pants, only to slide his hands along her belly. Sierra sighed, savoring his touch. It was so gentle, explorative, almost curious it seemed.

"Hold on a second," Sierra said, startling him.

Isamu lifted his head reluctantly. She pressed her hands against his shoulders, pushing him back, and got to her knees. Sierra pulled her bra the rest of the way off and tossed it aside, then reached for him. She lifted his shirt, tugging it off. He watched her, his blue eyes black in the near dark. Sierra lowered her head, pressing her mouth against his neck. Isamu made a soft groaning sound and brought his hands up to rest on her back. She felt shy and a little nervous, but that didn't stop her.

His skin was somewhat salty beneath her tongue. She trailed her hands down over his chest, following slowly with her mouth. Isamu's hands traveled up her back, into her hair. Sierra unfastened his jeans and pulled them down, drawing a startled gasp from him. His fingers tightened in her hair as she took him in her mouth. He was hard and hot, much larger against her tongue than she had realized. Even during her brief experiences back in high school, she had never done this.

"Sierra…" Isamu murmured, his breathing slightly ragged.

Opening her eyes, she realized he was watching her. Sierra flushed and closed her eyes again. Fingers trailed down her spine, making her shiver. His hips moved, pushing into her mouth carefully. She panicked then, completely uncertain, and scrambled away from him. Isamu's laughter was soft but not malicious, merely amused.

"I…I um…I c-can't…" Sierra stammered. She was glad it was too dark for him to see her face, which was bright red.

"Don't be shy, Sierra," Isamu murmured.

He caught her around the waist and pulled her against him. His mouth covered hers and she could feel him pressing against her belly. Isamu's fingers closed around her wrist, pulling her hand down to him. Sierra's eyes widened at the feeling of him beneath her fingers. He was hard, but his skin was soft; it was an odd but fascinating contrast. She shivered as his mouth brushed lightly over her earlobe, then trailed down her neck. His hand guided hers, moving it up and down along his length. Isamu lifted his head, and she stared up into his eyes.

His hand left hers. Sierra bit her lip uncertainly, but she kept her hand on him. She could feel the faint thrumming of his blood rushing through his veins, so close beneath his skin. Isamu ran a hand down over her hip, along her belly, and between her legs. He teased her, his thumb brushing against her clit until she was wet enough for him to slip a finger inside her. Sierra swayed, pressing her face against his shoulder. She nipped at his skin and let out a pleased sigh at the soft noise he made.

Her hand left him then, only so she could close her arms around him and pull him tighter against her. Isamu finger moved inside her, but she wanted more. Sierra's mouth closed on his skin, sucking sharply on his neck the way he had on hers, that first night. He groaned loudly, finally pulling away from her.

"Yes?" Isamu asked, his voice a whisper.

"Yes," Sierra murmured.

While she struggled out of the rest of her clothes, Isamu kicked his jeans off and then reached for the drawer beside his bed. Sierra heard the soft crinkle of plastic. She helped him put the condom on; her fingers weren't shaking this time. Isamu's hands rested on her hips and he lowered her back onto the bed. She lifted her mouth to his as he settled between her legs, gently urging her thighs open. Sierra wound her fingers into his hair, pressing her lips more forcefully to his. She gasped into his mouth when he slid inside her.

Isamu's tongue dipped into her mouth, following the motion of his body. She lifted her hips to meet his, finding the rhythm easier this time. Her fingers tightened in his hair as his mouth moved down along her neck, down to her breasts. Sierra arched her back, moaning softly as his tongue teased the tip of one nipple. His lips sucked and tugged gently and she mewled softly with his teeth closed ever so lightly.

She was startled when he pulled back suddenly, sliding out of her. Isamu scooped her up, flipping her onto her belly. He pulled her hips up and thrust back into her, making her cry out softly. Sierra felt his lips on her back, raining gentle kisses over her shoulders. The tip of his tongue was a wet heat, running along her spine. She gripped the pillows beneath her, pressing her face against them to stifle her growing cries. Isamu slid a hand beneath her belly, reaching around to cup one of her breasts. His fingers kneaded gently. Sierra's fingernails dug into the pillow.

She felt his teeth close on her neck. Her body shuddered, tightening around his, making him groan softly. Isamu's arms wound around her and they tumbled down to the bed, gasping and panting. Sierra felt him slide out of her and she shuddered again. His mouth nuzzled against her neck affectionately. She lay there, catching her breath and listening to the pounding of his heart. Somehow she forgot the rest of the world when Isamu was holding her.

"Ah, Sierra," Isamu sighed. "Are we going mad?"

"Maybe," Sierra said. "But there are worse ways to go mad, wouldn't you say?"

Isamu chuckled. "Very true," he agreed. "We never even finished our movie, though."

"So then, let's finish it," Sierra suggested.

"Don't you sleep?" Isamu asked, as she slipped out of his arms.

"I don't want to," Sierra said quietly.

They cleaned up. Sierra pulled her t-shirt back on and he climbed back into his jeans. Maybe it's just because it feels like, if I go to sleep, it will be real, she thought, as they snuggled up on the couch together. I keep feeling like, if that day just didn't end, maybe…maybe it would just…go away… Sierra's best friend had taken something precious from her. Tiffany had not only destroyed her things, but she'd taken the bamboo scroll Isamu had given her. And she tried to get between us…

"Being with a rockstar isn't an easy thing," Sierra mused, as Isamu pulled the blanket up around her shoulders.

He froze. "No…it isn't…"

"So that's what the name of your band means," Sierra said. "Right? Because love is difficult…"

"Yes," Isamu answered, settling down behind her. "I learned that quite awhile. When things get difficult…people give up."

And I almost gave up on him, Sierra thought. She found his hand, which had settled on her hip, and cradled it in both of hers. Except that she hadn't wanted to give up. She'd almost asked him if she could live with him, but that would have been crazy. This whole thing is crazy enough as it is, she thought. Sierra let go of his hand and reached over for the T.V. remote and clicked it on, then grabbed the DVD remote. She was flipping through the scene index when Isamu's fingers closed around hers.

"What about you, Sierra?" Isamu asked quietly. "Do you give up when things get difficult?"

"Sometimes," Sierra answered honestly. "I think I give up with Tiffany. But…usually it's with something stupid like…like building a card house."

Isamu chuckled. "And me?" he wanted to know.

"Well, card houses are more secure over all," Sierra said, "but I think I want to work on this longer than I did on that."

Isamu's teeth nipped her earlobe, chastising her playfully for her levity. Laughing, she found a scene close enough to where they'd left off and highlighted it. I don't want this night to end, Sierra thought, smiling to herself. Because if it doesn't end, I don't have to leave. She closed her eyes, just for a moment. Really, she didn't think she would be able t