Those incidents were from back when I was young and cared about things like feelings and emotions. As I grew older and my soul became jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

One time I was with a girl, we’ll call her “Betty.” She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we hooked up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and especially loved going down on me. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of knob-slobbing, but right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.

Her roommate was barely inside when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like she was auditioning for a porn movie. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, hand wrapped around my shaft, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roommates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that exact moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:

-I shot my load into Betty’s mouth.
-The roommate screamed and ran back out the door.

I had not come for about three days before this encounter (that is a whole other story), and thus I had a Peter North sized 8-roper waiting for her. This did not sit well with Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.

Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke–the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.

I was unsure what to do; I’d never seen a girl choke on dick before. I thought that only happened in rap songs.

After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song “Blowjob Betty” rang through my head, “A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe…,” so I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.

I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, “STOP IT! [cough] YOU’RE HURTING ME! [cough] STOP ASSHOLE!”

I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation–she wasn’t choking after all, the come just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope…in my enthusiasm to save her life, I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs. The highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good job with the Heimlich. Apparently, you’re actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.

We never could get the old magic back after that night. It might have been because she couldn’t take a deep breath for two months.