Dear Caroleena,

Happy birthday. It is your 24th birth day and I'm really very happy to see you becoming such a big girl. I fought with tears back because one day I had seen the same girl wearing a red-white skirt with pink blouse and a birthday cone on her head celebrating her 3rd birthday. You remember the day? It was the very first day you came to live in our locality with your family. And now, you are just the same girl but in a more matured & sophisticated way.

I can almost see you. Your petite 5'3"was always your concern around people. I've never seen you without your 5" stiletto. Needlessly, you knew you could be adorable in everyway possible. The dress you could probably wearing now, the classic white gown with golden laces at the back and waist, white frills all around the lower border and the full sleeves of your gown; I always thought you were an angel every time I was present at your birthday. With your blonde hair pulled up on your head with pins and clips, the light make-up to high light you genuinely beautiful cheek and jaw line..... I never find words to describe you, Leena.

Forgive me, if I've crossed the line. You once declared not to call me Leena. But again, it's such a nice good event, don't spoil the charm for some nuisance of mine.

So. Where was I? yeah! Your birth day ceremony. You always wanted it to be special. Even at your three when you were too new for the neighbourhood, you didn't feel shy to play with almost strangers. Remember, we played Hide & Seek at our Community Park. For the sake of the greatest sarcasm, I was the seeker. You know, I found all our mates. They were too predictable to find. But you? You were something else. Even after upside downing the whole park I was unable to find you. Leena, Did you come into my life to play Hide & Seek? Did you come to hide forever? And to make me find you through out my whole life?

Will you believe if I say something? Will you believe that I never cheated on you? I can guess, you may stop reading the letter at this point. But please, just once let me confess, let me clear myself!

Caroleena, you were my dream girl. I day dreamt about us. I imagined you. Longed for you, worshipped you. I could kneel in front you even if you wanted to let me die. But there was Rick. You remember the Bully-boy from our primary?

Richmond Summers. He was the guy who challenged that I would never be able to find the necklace he has dropped in your closet. But as we both know, it actually belonged to you because you father planned to gift the necklace on your 5th birthday. To my greatest pride, I was a seeker. And you said finders are keepers. And the circumstances made me a thief.

Leena, I was never as wealthy as you were, but there was something I regarded as treasure for me; my dignity. Even at my early age I felt how idiot I was to step into that trap. Rick smiled in your birthday but cried the next one month for his broken nose.

My parent sent me to the boarding school. They figured out the Tom Boy I was gradually becoming was too alarming for them. If I was the centre of every mischief, their life could get complicated. Because of the same cause Leena, they were not as wealthy as you were.

I was sent o some kind of Jail. But I survived. But I quit after junior high. I was sixteen when I returned home to attend the funeral of my father, the Janitor of your father's office.

I don't know why you were too close to my father that you could even come to his funeral.

Have you seen how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly? Have you smelt the freedom from its wings? It was exactly something what I felt when I first saw you at the funeral.

When father Joseph was reciting some phrases from Bible, I found your eyes wet. Though I was way too away, I couldn't miss that. Later that evening you suddenly came to me and hugged. Then a moment later you released and said, ' I always wanted to tell you that I was really sorry for the insult my parents did on my birthday. If you can, please forgive me!' then you left abruptly.

I can't point out why I can remember every words you said me that day. Even the excellent accent, the mesmerising warmth of your hands on my hands and the melancholic sunset down at the end of the day were unable to make me forget your words. As you said Leena, I'm gonna keep that buried into my soul, making them a part of it.

Leena, did I fall in love with you? On that very funeral?

To God's greatest humour, that was your birthday too.

The work place of mine and your swimming centre were the same. I worked as a swim coach there. While in that boarding school, I was nothing but a star swimmer, I even competed in national level.

The pool authority employed me in children section. But I was destined to meet you.

The days spent with you at the pool were the best days of my life. You were such a naïve, you feared water like Death. And you named me Mermaid. Remember?

I've never felt that attraction with anyone. At first I tried to teach you swimming. But having you so near wearing nothing but a skin tight swim costume was enough to make my own lessons blur. It used to be such a playful event to frighten you as if I was going to drop you. You used to yell at the top of your lungs, though you knew well that I would never let you drop into water. Our swim trainer used to make such a poor of you. But I hated it. I never lasted seeing you in pain.

While our innocence playfulness I was becoming aware of my orientations. I never was into guys. The days after spending time with you I used to come home as super horny. Being an Ideal Sex Driven teen I used to finger myself over and over until I was wobble enough to be sleepy. Sorry! I kept it a secret. Now please, don't get angry with me!

But that never was just a sexual attraction. I felt something more, something bigger. Leena, if there is anything called Love, it must be it; Love. It made me cry and laugh simultaneously.

In my eighteen I was some kind of and androgynous. I used to keep my dark chest nut hairs cut short with spikes upright. The very low amount of breast fit with my BUTCH personality perfectly. And to top it swimming had given me a lean but powerful body with muscles underneath.

I was dressed in simple cotton shirt and jeans at your senior prom. I was never invited. But a unique talent in electrical instruments gave me opportunity to work with some event manager nearby. So when your school hired that event manager I came as a joint packet.

I wish I never came. I was angry as hell when I figured out you and Rick in some lonely dark Gym when you were expected to be in the assembly hall. I was mad but was curious too. I tried to consume but when he tried to put his dick onto your throat even ignoring your distaste it took all of me. I changed the power mode and the whole gym flooded with lights. Well, it was enough to frighten that little shit his head out.

I thought I escaped from your eyes, but I wasn't that smart. Next day you showed up at my house. You just smiled and said,' I thought you would behave after your days at boarding school.'

I was at my workshop, tightening some junk. I offered a sly smile.

You came to sit next to me and started talking here and there. Then suddenly you asked, 'Jen, are you gay?'

My hands felt weak as I was in the middle of lifting something heavy. I perspired, 'you mind?'

' NO!' you told and came to help me.

After some silence I hesitated,' are you and Rick...... you know.. kind of a..... couple?' you waited until I finished.

You sighed and nodded, 'yeah! I guess so.'

'but he still roams around Shanya.'

' don't talk about that bitch! She's no worth of him!'

I was surprised. Can anyone be so blind to unseen her mate cheating?

'that's insane Leena! He is no worth of you!'

'then who is worth of me? You?'

Sometimes your dear one hurts you more than anything.

I left.

I avoided you for next several days. But ultimately you captured on the way to my home. When I returned from the grocery I found you sitting in my car. And I murmured to remind me to lock the car when I park.

You were silent all the way. I didn't push you too. You knew I lived separately after I got the job at event management.

I put the car into the garage and asked,' now what?'

'what?'

'what are you doing here Leena?'

'nothing. Who asked you to mind my presence? Did I talk to you on road? Just ignore me like the way you're doing since that day.'

It could be an idiocy to talk on this topic further. I emerged from the car and entered into my house.

As expected, you followed.

I put my groceries in the kitchen and offered, 'you want something?'

'yeah! I want to talk to you.'

'Sure do! But about what?'

'You must know it better. You stopped talking.'

'well, I didn't. I just didn't get time.'

I scooped up my Sprite and left kitchen. But this time you didn't follow. I waited for a while then walked back.

You were standing with your hips touching the counter.

When I came near you, you started saying, without looking at me,' I was lonely since I knew what loneliness was. I was the only child and I always feared to lose the small amount of friends I had. But most of them cheated on me. Jen, you were the only one who never asked for anything, not even my friendship. But I want you in my life Jen. Am I so cheap that you can't accept as a friend?'

How can you be so cruel to me Lenna? Why do you cry? Why do you talk to me with your voice cracking in pain? Don't you know how much that damages me? Can't you see how brutally I bleed seeing you in pain?

Just the moment you stopped I took you in my arms and I felt powerless. I dreamt about this moment so many times that the reality even felt like a dream.

I was unable to stop myself. I lowered my lips to their destination and they travelled their longest journey.

Moments passed by like hours. Ultimately the sweet taste and a subtle fragrance overpowered my whole being. I felt like I was about to fall. Just then you held me, in your arms, close to your soul. And I found peace. For the first time in my life, I felt home.

Our kiss continued, deepened by tongue. They duelled, wrestled, savoured, explored each other. We found ourselves. So openly, naked with our primal arousal that it destroyed the last barrier. We made love. Better, we taught each other how to live. And we argued on that. We discovered how badly we want each other and that made you scared. After all you were Straight, not a 'I'm so Gay'. We fought. I begged forgiveness from you. You gave, we kissed and made love again. With those sweats running down from our bodies, glistening with the after glow of powerful orgasms, our oaths swept away.

'Rick and I getting married next January.'

Well, that was a kick right in the balls.

I yelled over the telephone,' you're fucking kidding me? Then just what you're doing with me?'

But I was out of the town. My business was expanding.

Thanks to you, you made that marriage wait until Rick was back from his Army Training. That gave us three more years.

But for what Leena? To fuck each other? How possibly you could deny that you didn't love me?

You father's business was ruining and Rick's status could give it a cling. That's enough to destroy your future? That's enough to slaughter you?

At the end of that 2nd year I was almost successful convince to come out with me. Might be you could. If I wasn't a worthless idiot.

Believe me Lenna, I wasn't the one who dragged that fucking whore into our bed. Yeah she was my business partner and I brought her home the day before Christmas Eve. But to help me to decorate the cruise I hired for your birthday.

We wined a little but then she surprisingly tied me up with some belt and started licking me. For heaven's sake Leena, believe me, she raped me. I didn't touch her. It was just when you entered into house. After a tiresome flight of five long hours. You came home and..........

I'm really sorry that I brought that bitch home. But my intensions were pure. I never cheated on you.

But you didn't hear a word.

Your dream was to have a boat house. I fulfilled it when I launched my own 2nd franchisee.

You started walking towards the shore and for my most unfortunate day there were no guards nearby. I tried to convince you everyway possible. But you were just so angry.

Every time I touched you, you jerked away. Why? I ask?

You jerked away violently and you slipped your feet. Your head smashed on the wooden cliff, you lost your senses and drowned in the water.

I couldn't believe my eyes. It was so rapid that I forgot to jump to save you. When I jumped you were already drowned vividly.

I pulled you out from the water, tried to bring your senses; tried everyway possible. But I lost the battle. I was in trance when they called the ambulance and headed hospital.

I lost you Lenna. You were snatched from me on that day. On that very day I thought I could get you as mine. More over, on that day you were born. They declared you dead at 4 in the morning, 24th December.

Today is also 24th December.

These years just passed by. I didn't live it. Police arrested me as your parents put the murder charge against me. But my attorney saved me. They lost the case and I was declared as clean.

Once water used to be my only console, my second home. Now? Now I hate water as if it was not water but some poison. I can't find peace anywhere. I can't find a place to rest my soul. Where ever I go you haunt me. And I run towards you; if I could find an oasis in a mirage.

But Lenna, I don't want to live anymore. It's a punishment to live without you. Everyone says they can't live without the person they're in love. But did they actually lose them? Do they know how pathetic it is to drag your life day after day? Do they know how to live without air?

Lenna, you were that air for me. You're everything. And I'm tired with this life I'm bearing. I'm tired with this life. I haven't sleep for all these years. May be I laid down every night. I closed my eyes and there were only you; your memories. But I want to sleep now. With peace in my mind that when I'll open my eyes I'll see you, be able to touch, kiss you, I'll be able to let you know how much I really love you. I want to be with you, live with you, die with you.