My boyfriend and I lost our virginity together when we were both young. I want to share my story with you.
I never thought when we started going out that I would lose my virginity to him. We were so young and it never even crossed my mind that I might fall in love with this guy. But I did, and looking back now, I don't think either of us really understood the love we had.
We had been going out for 4 months when we started discussing sex. We talked about our parents views, contraception, what we would do if I fell pregnant and our own emotions and feelings about sex.
On 'that day', we went to the beach where we used to hang around a lot. Lying on our beach towels, the discussion turned to sex (yet again) and we decided then that we were both ready and comfortable enough with each other to take the next step (we had already been sexually active for sometime, but somehow actual 'sex' felt different).
We walked back to his house and went to his bedroom where we had showers and got into his bed where we had been making out for a while when he said,
"Do you wanna do it now?"
My heart skipped a beat and I started to panic.
"I'm not sure" I replied.
He accepted that, but I started to think 'Why not?' Everything's perfect, the way you wanted it, so what's the problem?
"Make love to me babe," I whispered, which kind of surprised him!
"Are you sure?" he said.
"Yep," I replied.
So he got out of bed, told his family we were having a private conversation and that they were to knock then wait for a reply. He shut the door and started opening his lamp.
"What are you doing?" I asked
"Condoms, no one's going to look in here!" he laughed, which made us both relax a bit.
He got one out, got back into bed and started putting it on. I lay on my back and thought. I wondered whether this was the right moment (I decided it was), whether I really wanted to do this (I decided I did), and whether I really was ready (I decided I was as ready as I would ever be). I was so uptight, I wasn't nervous because I felt so totally comfortable with him but I was just worried I guess - the way I am with anything when I do it for the fist time.
He finished putting the condom on, rolled over and said,
"Are you sure you're ready?"
I took a deep breath before saying I was.
I kissed him slowly, then gently manoevered him on top of me and we froze in that position for a while, an unspoken gesture of 'this is our last chance to pull out'. We kissed again, then I reached down and guided him into me. I remember thinking 'what were they talking about, this isn't hurting at all', but the split second after that came 'OUCH!' Only the tip of him had been in me and when the rest followed, I felt myself ripping apart. This pain must only be rivalled by that of childbirth and I'm not trying to put anyone of having sex, what you must understand is first time sex is not painful for everyone but we didn't use lubricant, so that didn't help at all.
But oh, the pain. I have never felt anything this bad and I hope I never do again. I stopped myself from crying out, but couldn't stop a little moan escaping my lips. He stopped and asked if I wanted to stop but I thought I'm going to have to feel this sometime, it may as well be now, so I told him to keep going.
After about 5 thrusts, the pain stopped and I just felt him going in and out, in and out. I never felt anything orgasmic during sex, but the feelings were pleasant and knowing that my body was providing him with ecstasy was enough to make it good for me. I always enjoyed making love to him, even though I didn't get any physical pleasure from it myself.
It lasted about 15 minutes and during that time he was on top, then I was on top, then he was on top again. I always liked being on the bottom better, I loved feeling his weight on me and I didn't have to do anything, I could just relax and lie there and think about things.
Sex became my time to think. During those first few pain-filled moments, I almost transported myself out of my body to just above the bed so I could deal with the pain. The easiest way to explain it is being in a state of meditation. My body was taking part in the 'sex bit', but my mind could become separate and thinking of completely unrelated issues if I needed it to.
Sooner or later he started to thrust faster and faster and I felt all his muscles tense up and get tighter and tighter until he suddenly shuddered violently and pulled himself out. He got the condom off, we put our underwear on, then lay in each others arms exhausted.
What I remember most about it was how much we were shaking afterwards. Our hands and fingers were shaking like leaves in the wind, like they do when you are either really really cold, or really really nervous. All we wanted to do was be alone and take in what had just happened (it all seemed a bit surreal), but we were thrown back into the real world with a jolt, tea was ready and could we please come out and have something to eat.
So, that's how my first experience went. I'm sorry if anyone is offended by the graphic details but I wanted to make you feel as if you had been through it with me and to understand completely my point of view.
For months afterwards I struggled with my emotions, fought with myself inside my head about how I felt about myself and my boyfriend now we had crossed that line. Sometimes I used to hate him, hate myself, hate the people at school who never tell you enough about how sex really is, hate the movies and T.V. shows that show you sex as being wonderful and intimate. I was terribly confused but I survived and it really wasn't as bad as it sounds here written down. But what I believe now is you don't get enough information in sex ed classes about how it really is and the emotions that come with sex. My aim now is to become a sex ed teacher and teach teenagers the real bits, the things they do really need to know in order to have a loving, healthy, sexual experience.
Please don't go away thinking I am angry about how my first experience was or that I hate sex, because I count myself as lucky to have been with a guy who loved me and to have lost my virginity in a loving and wonderful way (even though I mightn't have described it like that). It is something I will remember and treasure forever.